I think that this photo is profound, and has depth in it that I wouldn’t be able to find the words for. Since the beginning, from designing the newspaper dress, through to the end, I felt a soothing sense of fulfillment while I was shooting (even when an angry train driver had the nerve to stop the whole train in order to make fun of me!), and it was quite difficult to come up with the final edited version, although I feel accomplished having it turn out almost exactly the way I imagined.
Maryam finds her self worth in helping others. She is slowly disappearing. Obliterating under the weight of others’ pain, and stories. She is the shoulder, the ear and arm of everyone she knows. To hide her own pain, she gives and gives of herself, and at the end of the day feels empty, and that’s when anxiety creeps in. Emptiness claws at her insides, to get away from which she gives even more to those at home, at work and especially children.
When working with Maryam, I found she was so hidden in who she was, as a helper and a giver, no one even knew she suffered from depression, anxiety and numerous physical health conditions. At one point one of her friends jokingly asked her ‘so what, are you like depressed?’ and chuckled, so Maryam went with the flow, although surprised at the image she had been giving to people. She developed a serious habit of fidgeting and picking at her skin because of years of internalizing the pain she wished she could overcome.
One of the ways I have seen many of my sincere Muslim sisters deal with chronic pain, trauma and depression, is by becoming fully concealed under the weight and coloration of the stories of others in pain. Distractedly being stuck in the tracks while helping others as they move on; lending a hand to each elderly lady trying to step on the train, and each young child learning to climb up the steps, the train becomes full, life moves on, and you are left on the tracks, still stuck where you need help.
Although it is wonderful to be helping others, and does provide a degree of healing, making sure that while you touch others’ lives, you’re not forgetting the little girl inside you that needs you most. She needs assurance, love, validation, support and healing. Make sure that helping others is not a way to pour everything out so that you become numb. Asking yourself whether she is getting any help of her own, or whether you are leaving her on the tracks as everyone gets on the train. In a few years she will still be standing there alone and the people you have helped will have successfully gone up and away!
